Makes Room for Wisdom

About a thousand years ago, when I was a wee lass my mother gave me a great gift. She observed me and told me that I was “very perceptive”. Even though I was very young, I took this as a great compliment. Surprisingly, given my age, I knew what it meant.

What she and I didn’t know at the time was that I was perceptive due to the trauma and drama to which I was exposed. See, my parents had a contentious relationship, a contentious divorce, and a contentious co-parenting relationship. Many of us now know that living without a sense of ease puts you and your body in a constant state of fight/flight. I developed the skill of perception to order to adapt to my environment.

Now, please don’t assume I’m making a rightness or wrongness out of my parents and their parenting skills. It was a different time and culturally speaking, they weren’t supposed to get a divorce, much less do it with finesse. There was exactly zero support back then for parents in the midst of dissolving their relationship. So, it was what it was and gratefully they shaped who I am today.

Given what I’ve learned and how far I’ve come I now know perceiving is like an unlocked level of the video game of life. The dictionary tells us that perception is: awareness of something through the senses, i.e., the body’s ability to see, feel, hear, taste, and touch. I would add that it’s all of that, your percolating senses – plus the context of what you’re experiencing at the moment. For example, perception is crucial to quickly get a beat on the environment you’re in, the relationship you’re considering, and the thing you’re thinking of adding to your life.

Where things go sideways is when we confuse what we perceive with our feelings. This happens A LOT because, in this reality, feelings are our prized possessions! Who would we be without our precious feelings? We create identity out of our feelings. We judge others by our feelings. We start wars over who is or isn’t in alignment with our feelings. And on and on, it's exhausting.

Now, if we pull the lens out, we can use perception to prevent us from even falling into the feelings trap. A short and sweet example might look like this…you have a friend who’s offered to help you move. You’ve experienced their inability to return a phone call or text. You’ve seen them get fired from their job. And you know they owe another friend a good sum of money and are avoiding said friend. Now, what are the chances you can actually depend on this friend in your hour of need? In this scenario, it may seem kind of obvious. But still, folks will engage the friend in the task. This friend may say Yes – they’ll help you, and have the very best of intentions too! And when the plan goes to shit - ooh do we get mad (queue the feelings!). So how to cultivate your perceptiveness? Some ideas below…

Be quiet and observe. Know that what you observe will be different from what someone else witnessing the same person/place or thing will observe. Know that there is no right or wrong in anyones perceptions.
Take notes. I keep an Awareness Journal. It captures my Knowings (as discussed at the start of the month) as well as my Perceptions. Over time, I’ll see how seemingly abstract knowings & perceptions dovetail with each other.
Stop gaslighting you. Like the example above, when there is ample evidence to support a working conclusion (that the friend will bail on you) then that is an invitation to begin to listen to what we perceive. Our feelings will tell us that we should prioritize the friend and their good intentions. But folks, that is not going to get your couch to the new apartment!

Have fun with all of this. If you begin to practice with your perceptions you’ll feel less stupid over time. Get less irritated with yourself and be wiser. What could be better than that?