Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!
and other sordid details

When it rains it pours. Am I right?

I had fully intended to get back in the newsletter saddle as of last week. Fully intended to come out swinging in 2024. But having just bounced from a head cold to covid and now my first experience with a sinus infection, I'm going to receive all this as a sign to stfu. That's right. I'm going to be quiet (so hard for me!).

In my last dispatch, I glossed over just one of the ways in which codependency has negatively worked its expression through me. There is so much more to say on the topic. But for now, after having attended my first CODA.org meeting, let me say this: Hi, I'm Emily and I'm a recovering co-dependent.

Yes, I've started the 12 steps. And yes, I could be anonymous, but you know me, I share. So, as I make my way through the program, I'll be disclosing some, but not all, of what I encounter within myself. As always from the perspective of hoping that you too are helped by my transparency. As the illness train runs through my life and body, it seems a perfect metaphor for the halt, evaluation, and eventual eradication of codependent behaviors from my life (God Willing!).

For the time being I'll pause on weekly emails and tend to my body and being. I'm wishing you all an amazing 2024!

With much love, Emily

More Shadow Work

More Shadow Work
Merry Christmas to me!

Hello, good people. 

Once again, I’m coming in a little bit late this week. And, this week I'm recovering from Covid! <laugh>. When it rains, it pours! And I once again, I will not be sad to see this year come to a conclusion. 

What I can tell you is that over the last couple of weeks, this getting sick business between the head cold, and this weeks Covid, has had a dynamic effect, on my life. It’s grounded me – brought me to a grinding halt. Which in turn has allowed me to dig into some deep stuff, which I'll share with you.

I was going to pick up last weeks talk about sex and sexuality, but I'll get back to that after the holidays. 

This week, what's hot on my plate is this inner work that I've been doing that I wanted to share with you. Because I'm absolutely certain there's some overlap between what I'm experiencing and what other folks are experiencing. On my end it’s akin to huge reservoirs of emotion that I've been tapping into.

So I just read Conscious Uncoupling, which is a program that my husband and I will be going through over the next six weeks or so, starting in January. We’ll have a wonderful opportunity to work with individual coaches who will guide us through that book to conclude our 25 year relationship. So that's a very, very big deal.

That book was the beginning.

Then, I listened to the audio version of a paradigm shifting and explosively enlightening and not so comfortable book, Codependent No More, the classic by Melody Beattie.

If you’ve grown up or in any way been affected by, addiction, whether as an addict or a person dependent upon addicted people with compulsive behaviors…whether that's substance abuse or, sex or gambling or shopping or whatever, I, highly, highly recommend reading this book. It's absolutely blown my mind in how I've seen myself in the behaviors that have been described.

One behavior that I'm going to focus on today, and I won't obviously go through the whole list of behaviors, ‘cause that would be a lot. One of the behaviors that I’ve completely identified with, is the concept of creating fantasy. When reality is lacking, we have this beautiful, incredible self preserving capacity to create a fantasy.

And that's what I've been dynamically talented at doing – the creation of fantasy, which of course, supersedes the reality that I'm actually living. And then I start to project that fantasy on to people around me, my loved ones, people I want in my life to love, and all sorts of dynamic dysfunction ensues. What I’ve learned is that doing fantasy is, on the whole, a disassociative behavior, which I'd never considered before.

So it's disassociation, now let’s take a deep breath.

That's a lot <laugh>. 

And here I am, at my advanced age, coming to grips with this behavior that I've cultivated, perpetrated, projected, bought, and sold. And none of it based on my own awareness. None of it based on my intuition. None of it based on reality! So I can laugh about it now, but boy, oh boy, I've been boo-hooing some big old crocodile tears in my head-cold slash covid state over the last few week.

Let's face it, it’s a whole new level of shadow work. I thought I was done with all this shadow work. I was pretty certain I was done with shadow work, but it seems that there was one part of the shadow I hadn’t addressed. I dealt with the people, the places and the things, but I hadn't dealt with the number one part of the shadow, which is me. 

[Oops technical difficulty] Sorry about that. 

So, yes, disassociative fantastical thinking…the creation of story because reality is either too painful or too complicated or completely out of control because you're the child of addicted people, unconscious people, or people in pain with unresolved trauma of their own.

So that's a lot. So lots of shadow work on my plate. 

I want to close out this week with a beautiful clearing designed to break through all of that disassociative thinking: 

What have you defined as your life? What fantasy have you created as your life that isn't your life that you keep choosing as your life in order to not live? And everything that that is times a Godzillion, will you destroy and uncreate it? Right, wrong, good, bad, pod, poc, all nine, shorts boys, povads and beyond.

The last part of what I just said is called The Clearing Statement. If you come to an Access Bars Class that would be a part of that class. 

So we’re just a few days out from Christmas and New Year's, and I'm wishing all of you a beautiful, wonderful 2024. I hope you fall in love with the reality of your life as I'm learning to do outside of fantasy and projection. 

Ciao for now.

Trigger Warning

Trigger Warning
sex abuse and the choice to heal

Good people. Happy Thursday! 

I apologize that I'm coming in late again this week. It's the holiday season, so I will cut myself some slack <laugh>. I hope you've been well. 

This week I've got two more questions from a client. They deal with, sexual assault or sexual abuse. If that's triggering for you or difficult, I invite you to pause this video or not read this week's newsletter, and practice good self-care. 

So I'm gonna get right into it, it's a two part question that I'll tackle over two weeks.

Question 1: How can one cultivate sexual energy? Is there some kind of ritual, prayer or chakra balancing that one can do to help? Is that even a thing? 

Question 2: (which we're gonna tackle first) How can people who've suffered sexual abuse allow themselves to harness that energy and unblock themselves from whatever is holding them back from enjoying their sexuality?

Big questions. So the first part there about sexual abuse and recovery is enormous and absolutely not going to be unpacked entirely in this video. But what I will do is hopefully create a container, that might point you in some directions to go forward. We talked in the past couple of weeks about shadow work and that's a great place to begin exploring this issue.

When getting into recovery from sexual abuse I have been enormously helped, as a survivor of both sexual assault and generalized assault by the quotes and work of Viktor Frankl. Viktor Frankl was the father of Logotherapy, which is a school of Psychotherapy. It describes a search for life's meaning as a central human motivational force. Viktor Frankl was a survivor of the concentration camps. He lost his entire family, his parents, his new wife, his brother. He experienced the impossible. To wrap our heads around what his experience must have been in the four years that he experienced in concentration camps would be impossible. As much as anybody has experienced trauma and assault – he's probably as good as anybody to guide us on how to make meaning out of suffering.

His quote: “in some way suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment that it finds meaning.”  I think this concept is central to how we recover from unspeakable horrific life events. How else do we move on? 

And if you hear that scratching, apologies, that's my cat scratching at the door, <laugh>. I'm gonna just let him in before he makes me in totally insane. Probably bringing some levity to a very, very heavy topic.

So, how do we carry on and how do we create meaning for ourselves after we've endured and survived the unendurable? We could look at, more popular culture references, from a Phoenix rising and coming up from the ashes. To the metaphor of a butterfly coming out of its cocoon. It turns into mush, you know, before it becomes a butterfly.

So that's personally what I've used to be my guiding force in recovery from all sorts of traumas and dramas. And from assault, is to ask – how can I bring myself up and out? How can I be, not just restored, but made stronger and wiser and more conscious from unspeakable harm?

Finally, I think it's extremely human to wanna connect meaning to what you’ve endured. It’s natural to want to understand the why of why someone would be so harmful to you. Especially if that abuse came from someone who was supposed to love you – like a caregiver. What I'd like to offer you is a question. 

Can you give up the why?
Why did they do this? Why did this happen to me? 

The why is because they chose it. I wish I could tell you there was some greater existential learning or meaning that could come out of it. But, that’s it – they chose to harm you. 

And perhaps rather than focus on the why they did it, you could pivot to: what is your why for reclaiming yourself? Who do you get to become? Who do you get to be? Who do you get to become as a sexual person above and beyond sex abuse or assault? 

These are much bigger, broader, and dare I say, more effervescent questions than why did they do it? Because you'll never really know why they did it, even if they tell you. Is what they say true <laugh>? So yeah, perhaps you can give yourself a break and give up the why. And begin to focus on your why. Why are you moving forward? Why are you picking yourself up? Who are you allowing yourself to become? This is the big stuff – much more hopeful stuff. 

Now, I'm obviously no psychotherapist, I will always remind you of that. And I encourage you to please get yourself resources, whether that's psychotherapy or a coaching program, to help you recover from these experience. It's not easily recoverable in silence or by yourself. So please, please avail yourself of services to help yourself become the butterfly and rise like a phoenix from the ashes. 

So that was a big topic. That was a heavy one. Next week we'll talk more about cultivating sexual energy. In the meantime shadow work, therapy and coaching or whatever you avail yourself of, is a process that's worth going through when recovering from such a existential threat as the threat to your body and your sexual identity.

I love you. I care for you, and I'm wishing you the very best in your recovery journey. If you've experienced something like that. Ciao for now and I'll see you next week.

Facing Fears, Healing Trauma

Facing Fears, Healing Trauma
and other easy peasy client questions!

 Hey, good people. Happy Wednesday.

I hope <laugh> things have settled down for you a little bit. I've been talking the last few weeks about how things have been wonky, weird & challenging. Things have settled a bit in my life. They're not, smooth sailing as yet, but I'm sleeping better, and that's manna from heaven! So I hope things have also settled down in your world too. November with the theme of death is, thank goodness, behind us. And I hope, if you've been dealing with some endings, that things have come to peaceful conclusions, in your worlds.

So this week I got a wonderful email from a former client or current client, rather, and it's a chock o' block full type of question! So I would love to remind you that if you have questions that are general and not about your specific circumstances or life, but you'd like my point of view on something, please, please, please email me and I'd love to address those in future videos.

So lemme get down to it. My dear has emailed me this question: Does facing our fears and things that once traumatized us actually help us heal and expand? Or could that potentially just stroke our egos? Some people constantly put themselves in familiar situations that mimic their past traumas or perpetrators [or I would assume she means with perpetrators] in hopes to prove to themselves and others that they can handle challenges. I think it's a constant loop of toxicity if one is not careful with their intention. Uh, I'm not sure if this question or observation makes any sense, – it makes sense to me!

What we have here is probably about six different questions. So I'm gonna chop this up.

The first one: does, facing our fears and things that once traumatized us, actually help us heal and expand?  We actually have two questions in there, the first is about facing our fears.

Yes! I am a huge proponent of not just facing fear, but unpacking fear for the false flag that it is. So, is fear real to you? What about it stops you? What about fear keeps you in a loop of judgment? Is fear necessary? So fear in and of itself is, what I call a distractor implant. It's not yours. It's usually something you've picked up from an experience from someone you've had an exchange with, family, friends, et cetera. And fear is always designed to stop you. So where can you acknowledge that fear is stopping you and negate it? Blunt it? Put it down? I've got clearing statements for that. But that's a whole other conversation! So that's fear.

Now, she's introduced trauma into the same question and we'll parse that out. Does facing our traumas actually help heal us or expand us? Great question! And I think this is really, a more personal question that each of us individuals would have to answer for ourselves. And before I get into this, I wanna be very clear, I'm not a psychotherapist. <laugh>, I'm not your therapist, so you might wanna ask these questions of your therapist. Even though people do come to me with, psychological or therapeutic types of issues, I'm very quick, to refer people if I think that's necessary.

But you're asking from my point of view of trauma. And trauma is, uh, kind of a wiggly beast, right? We have the trauma that we know about. Then we also have our subconscious and unconscious mind. We also have our own anti-conscious biases that try to keep those traumas or experiences stowed away. So, our conscious mind is not obliterated by said trauma.

So, again, a very personal issue on how you deal with your traumas. I have worked very, very hard doing shadow work, which maybe I'll address in another week. Shadow work is digging into anything that you've let be unconscious, it's digging into what you've chosen to be unconscious about.

We don't consciously choose to be unconscious <laugh>, but that happens a lot with trauma, right? It can go into an unconscious or even a subconscious realm where it's just inaccessible to us. I've been very, very deliberate about unpacking my own unconscious responses to trauma.

I've done inner child work and other modalities so that I could see the truth of my own life, my choices, the expression of my body, my being, how I show up, how I parent, how I manage my business, etc. I've deliberately chosen to look at past trauma, and particularly my unconscious responses to those traumas. And that has been exceptionally difficult. It's not easy work, and not everybody is up to it. But I do encourage it [shadow work, unpacking your unconsciousness]  and having trained professionals to help you in that is very important.

I help some folks with their trauma. I do coaching work, but I do not claim to be the end all all. I think a lot of different types of practitioners are necessary: bodywork practitioners, psychotherapists, psychiatry, and medication if that's necessary. So it's a specific and, tailored approach that you, yourself, guide your own psyche through.

So, that was a very long answer <laugh> to what was just the first part of that question! I think my answer also touches on the question of stroking our egos. I will say this, and this is not to indict an entire system, but psychotherapy and psychiatry can keep us in an infinity loop of looping around said traumas without actually, getting to root causes, or, a baseline of relief. So, I would just always encourage you, if you are in this work for yourself, I encourage you to keep coming back to the question of: are we moving the needle on this? Am I getting better? Can I breathe? Can I sleep at night? These are anxiety or depression symptoms that can and should improve over time.

So, always stay in the question, always investigate: what am I getting out of this? And if I feel I am, what does healing look like? How will I know I'm getting better? 

You should hopefully feel it <laugh> in your body, in your bones and, hopefully, you'll experience some space in your mind and in your being.

Moving on ..some people constantly put themselves in familiar situations that mimic their past traumas. That is a whole huge topic, this repetitive behavior. And, I know this is pop psychology, but I've gotten a lot out of it, and that's about attachment theory. I'm thinking about the repetition of codependence and addiction. People have addictions to all sorts of things. So when we think of addiction, don't just necessarily think about substance abuse, gambling, sex addiction, et cetera. We're also addicted to our unconsciousness. Right? We're all to some degree – addicted to not knowing what it is that's keeping us stuck.

So those are some big, big issues to look at. But yes, we do these repeating things because there's usually some underlying unconsciousness, probably related to trauma, that keeps us stuck.

And a lot of that has to do with family and attachment theory. As for outside of psychotherapy, inner child work is fantastic. Some people do medicine ceremonies to get to the bottom of this stuff. Whatever you choose, I have no judgment. Some people work with me to facilitate their consciousness. But for whatever modality you choose, just always stay in the question. Check-in with yourself: Am I moving the needle? Am I getting better?

And isn't that the point, right? We wanna get out of that constant loop of toxicity. I referenced sleeping better, eating better, getting up, going for walks, and feeling excited about life. And to get there, beyond attachment theory and investigating family relationships, a lot of the looping of toxicity can be addressed with a thorough education of neuroplasticity, which can be done with brain training (The Dynamic Neural Retraining System). I don't wanna get off on a whole thing about that. That's a whole nother call! But that's another impediment to our healing – how the brain has been wired to trauma.

So attachment theories and trauma and all the things! A lot is going on in there!

To close out – keep track of your relief if you are going through a shadow work journey. If you are going into psychotherapy or psychiatry, or you are going through something big and maybe you are getting acupuncture, keep track of your experiences. Do I feel better? Is this helpful? Maybe this wasn't so helpful. This felt like it was re-traumatizing. Or, are we talking about the same thing every week?

So keep track and, don't be afraid to switch it up. Make different choices for yourself, obviously with responsibility, some gravity and care. But you deserve to get better. Everybody deserves well-being. So keep, searching, searching, searching. Never stop. Don't ever stop getting better.

That's a lot. I've said a lot today! <laugh> Ask me questions! I'd love to continue to talk more about this stuff. So I hope, my client that asked this question, and all of you – got a lot out of it!

Send me follow-up questions if anything needs some clarification. Ciao, for now, I hope you all have a fantastic week.

Needless

Needless
"every need has an ego to feed", Bob Marley

Hello, good people. I'm gonna be a bit low energy today, <laugh>. I'm just getting vertical after three days on my back with a nasty head cold. So I'll keep this short and sweet. So, we're in a season of change. And, to the question of astrology [which I referenced last week], I remembered that I have an acquaintance-friend, who's an astrologer. Her name is Hillary Harley and you can find her at hillaryharley.com. [here's a link to a podcast I did with her].

Last week I was talking about change and how difficult this fall has been. And I recalled that I did listen to Hilary's podcast about November. She does, a podcast – a forcast for the month ahead. And yeah, November was all about death, <laugh>. So death, we have to remember, in the esoteric or metaphysical world, is not necessarily physical death, although it can include that. But it's really about letting things fall away, letting things come to a conclusion.

And as for death, it's not as if we have a choice! So where can we be okay with death and the conclusion of things? And I've definitely been dealing with a lot of conclusions in <laugh> 2023. Let's just say, I will not be sad to see 2023 conclude! I am already, we haven't even reached December yet, and I'm already like, let's go December! I'm so ready for January to bring a conclusion to 2023.

For this week, I wanted to touch on something very briefly. I had a couple days, maybe week, or a week and a half ago, it was just a beautiful spell that I felt like I was under. And if I were to put a title on it, I'd say the title of this was I felt Needless. Needless – it was a blissful feeling! I needed absolutely nothing. I didn't need a call, I didn't need reassurance, I didn't need support, I didn't need food. I didn't need comfort. I felt completely needless. And it was amazing.

I'm a pretty self-sufficient person, to begin with, but this feeling was just incredible. And of course, it came to a conclusion, <laugh>. And then as soon as I reentered the world of need, it was like reentering a world of pain. And then I happened to listen to, a Bob Marley song. One of the lyrics is "Every need has got an ego to feed." Now, I've been probably reciting this lyric for 30 plus years, and it never really resonated until now. So I'll leave you with that. Every need has got an ego to feed.

So where can we be needless? Where can we allow and where can we let go? Where can we let things conclude without fighting and striving? Fall, with the beautiful colorful leaves that are dropping off the trees, that will most assuredly come back in the spring. Where can we let things fall away? Seems, seems a perfect message for the fall heading into winter. And with that, I'm gonna go probably lie down again, <laugh>, keep nursing this cold. Hope you have a great week. Ciao for now.

Fantasy & Illusion

Fantasy & Illusion
why we buy it & how to stop doing that 

Hey, good people. As always, I'm presenting a topic that is near and dear to my own developmental heart. This week I'm talking about fantasy and illusion. If you're the child of addiction, if you're a codependent, you probably know a whole lot about the creation of fantasy and illusion in your life. It can literally keep you going.

Why do we do it? Well, we create it for a whole host of reasons. For me personally, it's an escape from reality. It's a way to ignore knowing what the truth actually is. In the realm of dating, I've dubbed it the "Pink Haze". So it can look like, going on one date with someone and then imagining what it would be like to be married to them. Wondering what it would be like to create business and pleasure with them. All of this with very, very little tangible evidence to support the fantasy. So primarily we do stuff like this, we create illusions and fantasies to keep from being in the present moment. And in the realm of dating, fantasy keeps us from acknowledging that someone is late, that they've shown up with alcohol on their breath, or that they are wildly inconsistent. We create fantasies to prevent ourselves from actually knowing what is.

How do we negate that? How do we look at that? How do we stop doing it?
We fall in love with brutal honesty. Which is not easy. Giving up our fantasies is not easy. To give up our illusions is to give up our preconceived notions of what security actually is. And the good news is that you can actually have security. The bad news is that nobody, but nobody can provide that for you. But you, I don't care if you are married. I don't care if you have children. I don't care if you have wonderful parents. Nobody can give you a sense of security, but you, for you.

So another way to look at this, especially if you've got repeating patterns in your life where you keep choosing the same addictive partners or people who disappoint you or jobs that lay you off, whatever that might be, and however that looks in your life, is to really begin to contemplate, how did I create that? Why did I create that? Why do I continue to lean into abandonment, abandonment, rejection, disappointment and hurt?

There are answers to these questions in your body. And when you've been pretty beaten up, metaphorically or literally from a young age, especially in an environment with addiction and abuse, those are really familiar feelings and sensations in the body.

So if we can identify them and locate them and even celebrate them and accept them, we start to create distance between them and what we could actually choose that might be different.

So it's a bit complicated, but the body is a pretty good place to begin to tangibly identify hurt, pain, and suffering, especially from repeated patterns.

So take a look at all that. Fall in love with brutal honesty. And begin to identify those sensations in your body – where you lean into those feelings of discomfort, and pain.

From there, you can actually begin to make new choices. A new day will dawn, miraculously. It's not a one-and-done type of process. This is a thing we do over and over in recovery.

But if you need some support, I'm here for you. Otherwise, ciao for now.

Raw Grace

Raw Grace
and the power of inconsistency

Hey, good people. I'm a day late and a dollar short. 
And that's the theme of this week's, video newsletter. It's called Raw Grace and the Power of Inconsistency.

I'd like to acknowledge how really weird this fall has been.

I don't know if anybody else is experiencing really wild energetic shifts in their world right now, but as for me, I'm not sleeping very much, maybe three or four hours a night. This transition into fall, my body has felt as if it's gained 15 more pounds. I just feel incredibly heavy. I'm not as limber. My entity awareness is off the charts, just burping constantly.

Lots of weird sensations in my body, lots of energetic weirdnesses happening. And then finally just recently, this weekend particularly, was a handful of tough conversations with people, with family, with friends, with children.

And so yeah, raw grace and all, pretty raw, stuff. As far as grace goes, how do we meet it all, right? For me, particularly, it's a lot of acceptance. You send the newsletter out late on a Thursday, you miss your therapy session, when you've been going for more than six months quite regularly, and you just happen to flake out. You have those tough conversations with family, friends, and children.

And particularly important is to have those conversations when you, are carrying the weight of something that didn't feel so great in the receiving of it. So it's important to go back. An old therapist I used to go to, called that "circling back". So circle back, and have that conversation.

Allow your kids to lead. Do you have to control everything? Do you have to control everything for your kids? Perhaps they are wise, and know what's good for them. And then as far as the sleep goes, just accept that you're in a season of change and maybe you don't have to fight the lack of rest and sleep. And, if you can build in some rest during the day, try that. But otherwise, carry on and do the best you can.

As far as entity awareness goes and, and burping, I know a lot of you aren't gonna be able to relate to that. And that's okay. Some of you will. And if that's something that you deal with, that's another area of acceptance. I'll talk more in the future about how your personal power plays into all of that. Power is elusive to a lot of us.

And then finally, the grace part. How are we cultivating grace in a season of change, in a season, of heaviness, of busyness? For me personally, I got to enjoy Marge's company on Sunday. We had, breakfast together, like we do most every Sunday morning. And we watched the attendees of the New York City Marathon, head up to Lafayette Avenue. So we were waving being really silly, from the window.

You go hiking with friends. I have the most amazing group of women that I am able to lean into and enjoy their friendship and their comradery. Can we all thank our friends for being there for us? That's a huge part of it for me, expressing my gratitude for those folks who show up for me.

I get my bars run a lot every week at least, preferably more. And I'm also packing. Getting ready to go on a silent retreat, which I'll be on for just the next few days over the weekend, which I booked six months ago. It still feels a bit tentative. I'm not quite sure why it feels tentative, but maybe that'll be the subject of next week's newsletter! And finally, as far as grace goes, I go back to my Instagram account and I watch a video of Marge singing Amazing Grace.

She got an enormous gift from a friend of hers recently. We have a prayer list that we work on for folks who are suffering any measure of ill health. Some are friends, some are acquaintances, some are strangers to us who have been referred. So she and I work on them and, and a good friend of hers that she's known for many years just passed away. Her name is Mary Helen. And, relaying the story to me, Marge described how Mary Helen gave her an enormous gift in the weeks leading up to her departure.

Mary Hele had found a level of joy and acceptance with her impending death. And a lot of that had to do with her ability to spend time with her kids who all came in to take care of her in the weeks and months leading up to her eventual departure. And Marge gave me a wonderful perspective on it. Instead of meeting death with anxiety, which is how we are conditioned to perceive death in this reality system, we actually have the choice to meet it with grace, even with joy.

Can we welcome it? That's big. So I'm sitting with all this and it's big and it's not always heavy, um, but it's big stuff. So I'll leave you with that. Sorry, I was late this week. I'm absolutely certain I'll be late again. Just trying to keep you on your toes. Alright, good folks. Love you. See you next week.

Exposing Corruption

Exposing Corruption, is a gift to the corrupted

Back in 2013, at the beginning of my implosion, I had recently turned 41. My birthday party was in my backyard. And to be honest I had a hard time enjoying it. I knew something on the scale of walking into moving propeller blades lay before me. A dark forbidding was unshakeable in me for well over a year. 

My kid, delightfully magical themselves, gave me the sweetest card that day. On the cover was a woodland nymph. An ethereal creature I had a very deep connection to. How could my kid know this was the real me? The part of me unexplored, magical, powerful, and unknown, most especially to me. I wept to receive it, not aware of how much heavy lifting she herself would do to facilitate my own consciousness in the years to come.

Kids are amazing that way.

And so it is with me. Months after my party as the dark of fall descended, I made my way to the library. I went there religiously every day. I had no idea what I was looking for, in fact I knew on some level I might be hiding there. Having left my corporate job I honestly had no other idea of what to do with myself. 

It was on my way home one night I turned on the car radio and caught Yusuf Islam’s song, Father and Son. The lyrics struck a bell of knowing in me:

How can I try to explain? 'Cause when I do he turns away again
It's always been the same, same old story
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen
Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away
I know, I have to go

On its face, reading the prescience of it, I knew a break with my father was coming and it did, 5 years later. I, of course, denied this knowing. We share that above-mentioned birthday, by the way, July 8th, mine in ‘72, his in ‘46. A fateful day, no doubt.

And so, after a slow boil, hallmarked by love, caring & deeply uneasy moments from my teens through my adulthood, I had the courage this past summer to hold a mirror to my father, to show him, in detail, his own corruption. All of these moments collectively strengthened me and brought me in concert with the power, magic, and vulnerability of that nymph.

And now I am resolute and resolved in my own body and being. I in fact have surpassed the woodland nymph and now embody the High Priestess. Rachel Pollack, famed Tarot scholar, describes her power as:

the truth she knows cannot be broken down into words and explanations

I have practiced this myself. I receive my own kid's ability to point to my corruption as the gifts that they are. The gift and opportunity to grow my own consciousness. And I, hopefully – prayerfully, have become a firewall for them. Keeping at bay the generational trauma that is thick on both sides of their family tree.

The way up and out, through all of this, has not been easy. It’s deeply inconvenient being a vector for truth. And it certainly doesn’t win you any popularity contests – most especially within your own family. But if consciousness includes everything and judges nothing, maybe that cohesion and oneness is its own reward. Now that I’m here, in this moment, I can say that that is what’s true for me.

The Bad Halloween Party

The Bad Halloween Party
get a clue, get happy, stay there

The Halloween before the pandemic changed everything I hosted an epic Halloween party. There were 18 family and friends at my house, the most I'd ever hosted and it was grand. We skipped the next two years naturally. And as the pandemic was tentatively winding down I hosted again. Because of everyone's hesitance, only 10 or so people showed up. We wore masks and had fun anyway. By the following year 1 person showed and my own kids had outgrown the tradition. I carried on, and regardless of the single digit guest list ordered pizza and made more than a dozen ghoulish cupcakes. Sitting with my one friend at my kitchen table it was truly obvious to me that I had no clue.

Why hadn't I changed course? Why didn't I suggest that this friend and I grab an autumn themed drink at a bar for some adult fun? Why did I resist change?

The best I can answer is that whatever new way I was supposed to go wasn't lit up like a runway. But there was also another clue I refused to acknowledge. I wasn't happy. I'd let myself get so conditioned by this reality to sacrifice myself for my family, that I had long stopped computing my own joy into our family's equation. 

My inside voice wondered when I would laugh again. I wondered when I would dance again. Perhaps I knew the winds of change were brewing, but, at a gut level, knowing the gravity of it, I resisted.

What would have happened if I'd allowed myself to acknowledge me? What would have happened if I had prioritized my joy? Well I suspect my marriage may have ended a whole lot sooner. And that is not something I could face. 

Ultimately what I resisted, till the very end, was exactly what would bring me, and my family, joy: being out of a committed,  monogamous marriage. Now our kids have a chance to see us parents as flawed people cultivating a precious thing: their joy and wellbeing. Rather than two folks who were simply upholding an institution.

Now I am completely free, no more divorcing myself from myself.

So where are you divorcing you from you? Where are you denying your body, your joy, your intellect in your work, your family, your partnerships? What have you made so vital, valuable and real that you can't change it? Is it possible that today, you could begin to acknowledge you? Some tough decisions may need to be made, I'm here if you need me.

Too cool for school?

Too cool for school?
In that quest have you abandoned your awareness?

I got these little gems of questions from the book, Would You Teach A Fish to Climb a Tree, by Anne Maxwell, LCSW. It’s an absolutely brilliant book geared towards parents of children who show up different, who have autism, ADHD, OCD, etc. And I HIGHLY recommend it for just about anyone who feels like they’ve never fit in.

Anyway, these questions reminded me of someone I know, a genius really. They’re full of vim, vigor, promise and talent. Having been diagnosed with ADHD late in life, they’ve rejected the diagnosis. They also struggle with being authentically themselves. They’re deeply affected by the people, places and things around them. It’s hard for them to know where they stop and another person starts. They have a huge talent for being a chameleon. You can likely guess that this leaves a lot of questions from the people around them, because it can appear that this person has no personal identity, is shallow or worse, manipulative. 

And the cool thing? They are also deeply committed to being super fucking coooool. They are impossibly stylish. They follow the latest trends of just about everything. And ooh, boy oh boy, do they judge! Not in on the latest and greatest? You’re ripe for judgment. Not judging others in the same way or to the same degree that they judge others? Yup, you’re judged again. 

You get the picture. And you can see, in short order, how being around someone like this can be completely exhausting. Is this person hopeless? No. They’re figuring it out after dragging themselves through multiple addictions. Addictions to turn off the noise of all the insistent outside forces that they’ve been mimicing. Addictions managed so they could just be. Turns out, being cool and not simply being aware has wrung them out.

And the final addiction? To being cool? I wonder how it will play out. To give up image for the sake of finding one’s own authenticity is no easy task. Especially when those you’ve come to depend on expect you to show up a certain way. You risk the loss of a lot of relationships in that quest for authenticity. (psst…this is always a risk worth taking! Jump in! The waters fine!)

So, how about you? Do you have a commitment to the image of being cool? What’s the personal cost to you? Likely a lot. How do you fix this pattern? You begin by using your awareness. The body is the best place to start under circumstances like this. How does it actually feel to be a bystander at a fashion show or film shoot? Do you feel warm and fuzzy? Or does a kinetic, disquieting buzz take residence in your core? When you judge a friend who isn’t following the latest and greatest, can you sense the disconnection within your own body? Can you be aware of what’s going on in the body of the person you just judged?

See awareness and body are inextricably linked. And thank god for that! Checking in with body is a great way into awareness because unlike your mind, your body isn’t trying to prove anything to you. It doesn’t care for the latest trend. It’s a faithful servant. Your very best friend. And it has absolutely no idea how cool you think you are, nor does it care. It simply knows and affirms all of your povs. Like it or not. And povs can always be changed. If we’re willing.

Sexual Healing

Sexual Healing
i bet i have your attention…

Welcome to a new awareness! You know me…As I unpack my life in front of you all we’ve made some important discoveries together!

I talked weeks back about the spontaneous and miraculous remission of the entrails of chronic illness that I’d been managing. At the conclusion of my marriage – poof! It all just went away. Still feels like a miracle. What I’ve discovered in the time since is how incredibly sensitive I am to energies (yes, all of them: entities, POVs, other people’s judgments, emotions, and on and on). 

When I first got into energy work, I gotta admit, I thought, “This is bullshit”. It began with Reiki, which I had some very interesting experiences with, but never felt “healed” by. Then on to the Access Consciousness system I now use, called “the Bars”. From my first class, I felt like someone put an energetic firecracker up my, well, you know. I was on fire. I had tons of energy. I didn’t need as much food or rest. Plot points in my life just started to miraculously line up. And then of course, 2 sudden remissions from two nasty diagnoses, all made a true believer out of me.

So, what does this have to do with sex? Turns out, in relationship, my body was siphoning off all the dysfunction from my marriage and partner. I was attempting to reconcile or heal all their stuff by transmuting it through my body. This is not a cognitive process. The body, sneaky little devil that it is, just does this without question (for some of us, not all of us). It’s a giver, a healer, a lover if you will. And what happens when you try to heal a partner without their consent (or your awareness for that matter), by using your own body? It will dynamically eff you up big time – enter chronic illness!

And do I know how ludicrous this sounds to average people? Yup! Am I talking to average people? Nope! If none of this resonates with you, you are not likely a sexual healer. If you’ve been in a long-standing relationship and also have long-standing health problems, maybe you could test the veracity of this for yourself. Inching toward this could simply begin with opening your mind to a different pov. Much like me going from: “this energy work stuff is BS” to “what the hell do I have to lose?”.

Is healing from all this a straight line? I guess it could be, we can hope for the best right? But in my experience, it was a jangled line – a muddled trajectory. But I did get to where I was aiming for. I did eventually figure it all out. Key strategies for me?

• Asking: Is this mine? of everything that shows up in my body.

• Getting weekly energy work for the last 2.5 years (I offer a weekly trade for $15 for folks who’ve taken my class!)

• Being willing to make serious, very difficult, life-altering decisions

There you go! Easy peasy right? I joke, of course. None of it was “easy”. But was it worth it? Hell to the yes. Can I help you get to your own “hell yes!”. I hope so. You know where to find me.

Gurus. Greater then you?

Gurus. Greater then you?
they speak – you listen

A long time ago I took a psychic development class. It was good. It was interesting. I didn’t necessarily agree with all the pov’s the instructor had, but I realized that it was more about the time spent. Time spent with good people (mostly) who had the same objective as me. Time spent honing my craft and thinking of my skills and gifts in a different light. 

I took this class against the backdrop of a lifetime of leading myself. In high school I read Thomas Moore’s, Care of the Soul. I don’t remember a word of it, but I somehow thought it would get me closer to enlightenment - whatever that was. After college I found my way to You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise L. Hay. I never thought of myself as traumatized so didn’t really understand why I reached for this book at the time. I bet it had a lot to do with the rainbow heart of the cover. It turned out to be a pivotal read for me. Louise turned me inward and got me to look at, listen to and cherish me. What a profound concept.

Back in the psychic development class we did a meditation exercise to connect us with our Spirit Guide(s). It was a simple enough assignment via guided meditation. As soon as I closed my eyes the room populated. Shimmering silhouettes of people of all backgrounds filled the space, roaming about. In front of me walked a First Nation Indigenous Elder. I was thunderstruck when not 5 seconds later my instructor mentioned this Elder as his guide and to not be surprised if we saw him. What the what?!

During the guided meditation I dropped into a deep place. I entered a room in which I would meet MY guide. When, much to my surprise and dismay, out popped a figure in an Easter Bunny costume.

Alright, wtf?

A room full of wise folks arrived for my classmates, all in the ether and I get a second rate bunny? I recall at the time, a knowing rushed into me. I didn’t need to “know” my guides. As long as they gave me verifiable information and did not ask me to cause harm, who was I to judge the suit they were in? Maybe I had so many guides that I was sent this cosmic joke just to eff with me? Entirely possible I thought.

In the years since I’ve watched many a polished guru come and go. There are those that hit the best sellers lists and there are those that can fill auditoriums and keep people waiting hours upon hours for a hug. I have no judgment toward any of it, but I’ve always found it curious – this intense seeking outside of oneself.

I know personally the herculean task of learning how to trust myself and that bunny. It requires quiet and stillness. It requires brutal honesty and self investigation. It requires a very big sense of humor and the ability to not take yourself too seriously. It also requires that you reject everything I just wrote and do it your own damn way. 

And that bunny? He never showed up again.

So what would it take for you to listen to you? I can hear the cacophony of voices decrying: but what about all the chatter in my head? What about all the anxiety and depression? I got ya. Try asking this question every time you think a thought, have a feeling or an emotion: Who does this belong to? Don’t look for a cognitive response. The act of questioning your thoughts is enough for now. If the question lightens everything up it’s not yours. 

And that’s the crux of it. What if everything that floats through your awareness isn’t yours? That space is the birthplace of your own psychic awareness. And when practiced enough you’ll quickly realize that there is no voice outside of you, no god head and no guru that is greater than you. You are great FOR you. You are enough to lead you. And is it also OK to have some occasional help? Certainly, I seek it out too. 

And would I ever stand on a line for a hug? Indeed I did. When Louise L. Hay rolled into town and spoke at a conference I got the chance to stand in a very long line and I received a loving, kind and compassionate hug from my hero. I’ll be forever grateful for her guidance.

Dedicated to Paul and Kenny.
Cherished classmates. Gone too soon.

You're not safe

You're not safe
if your person isn’t safe with themselves

The head and subhead pretty much sum it up. So this may make for a very short newsletter. But this gem of obviousness hit me sometime this summer.

I’m in a new phase of life. I’m navigating the end of a marriage. My partner in parenting is doing their damned best. Working on healing. Working on relationships with kids. Ultimately working on waking up. This is not easy stuff. It wasn’t always this way of course, but we’re all benefitting from his efforts. Everything in our collective worlds feels lighter, healthier and clearer.

And now I’m dating. 

And it’s weird. Coming into contact with new faces, personalities, personas and problems is so very strange. I never opened a dating app over the course of my marriage and they certainly didn’t exist in any robust way when I met my husband 25 years ago. And so, as I’ve met new people a very curious pattern has emerged. 

I am a magnet for addicts.

There, I said it. I can take a cursory glance at someone, barely glaze their profile and dollars to donuts I’ll be attracted to the person with deep, protracted substance (or other) abuse issues.

Why?

I’ve leave the nitty gritty up to the psychotherapists to figure out. But from my arm chair I can only surmise that this is pattern recognition. We feel safe with the familiar. And boy, oh boy is it fascinating how quickly we can hone in on the familiarity of the addict. Who needs caretaking? (my arm shoots up). Who needs to hide? (I offer them to stand behind me). Who needs me to take all responsibility so they don’t have to show up for their life? (Me, me me! I’ll do it!).

So what’s a single gal in the city to do? A city rife with addicts of all stripes? Well the head and subhead allude to it. I ask Truth a simple question: Is this person safe to themselves? Often the answer is no. Sometimes I just get static and don’t feel sure or certain. And yes, I do this just by looking at a profile pic! The static tells me that I don’t have enough information to go on. So, I wait, bide my time. No need to barrel ahead as I have in the past. No need to play the old familiar savior. No need to do for others what they can’t or choose not to do for themselves.

I now honor myself and my time, both valuable and precious. I now know at root, I can’t save anyone, most certainly a fellow addicted person. And why do I say “fellow”? Because saving, over doing, being co-dependent and all it’s attendant bullshit is also an addiction. It keeps us in an infinity loop of not becoming ourselves. It keeps us from showing up and shining in our own lives. And it’s high time we all cut that out. Care to join me?

Your inner goldmine

Your inner goldmine
is your commitment to living

I wrote a couple of weeks ago about how adept I was at committing to things that weren't working. There is, of course, an upside to having a strong ‘make it work' ethic too. 

If you've read these dispatches for any length of time you've seen me be unsparing with myself in regard to seeking and embodying rigorous truth. I'm not just truthful about the tough stuff I've been through. I can be honest about the good stuff too.

So here goes…Between 2013-2018 I was pretty committed to feeling like shit. Days, weeks , months, years spent battling the symptoms of chronic illness that ko’d me. Till finally I chose to heal my body.

After five years navigating the medical industrial complex and not getting anywhere, I dug in. The healing program I was in required an enormous commitment of time, creativity and mental energy. The results were astounding in that there was immediate improvement. But the improvements waxed and waned as I navigated the gold mine of disease I had yet to unearth. Regardless, I showed up and did the work, relentlessly for close to three years. I had gotten about 70% better, but I didn't stop there. I knew in my bones there was a bottom to this mine. Eventually, I found my way to consciousness and inquiry. What I discovered was that all disease I was experiencing came from my unwillingness to have total awareness. With total awareness my body was able to heal, spontaneously and miraculously. No more digging, no more mining, I could be in the light in mere minutes, if I chose.  

Can your commitment to living be a journey? Yup. And all good subterranean journeys are grounded in principles. The ones that guided me? 

• Never give up

• Never give in

• Never back down

• Never settle

If you need a journeyman to help light the way, I'm here if you need me.

A Well-Meaning Albatross

A well-meaning albatross
that parents go first

That's a lie I was stuck with by a well-meaning therapist. Seven years of family therapy and this was drilled into our collective heads. That we should strive for this ideal, that parents go first. 

What does parents go first mean? Boiled down, it’s that parents ought to lead their kids. It’s that parents ought to heal first, all their traumas and dramas, so that their children can be free. It’s that ultimately, parents are the ones to light the path for their children.

Is there any track record for this being an achievable reality? No, it’s not a reality. It’s a fantasy. And it’s the kind of fantasy that is an albatross that can really tax an entire generation or two of a family.

When I posited my own pov, that made me feel super light, to our family therapist, that I believed my parents did the best they could with the skills they had at the time. She barked: that wasn’t good enough! Ha! Her care and savior energy for me and my sisters was as admirable as it was detrimental.

So, what’s kinder and in alignment with reality? That our kids go first. I learned this multiple times parenting my three kiddos. This last year in particular opened my eyes to this truth. Without my kid going through a major crisis I would not have woken up to the end of my marriage. It’s that plain. It’s that simple. Our home was sick and I was busy tra-la-lalling and making cupcakes, not acknowledging what was. Thank God for my kid waking us all up from our collective fantasy.

So, parents go first isn’t true. So, how about you? Feel into the pockets of your life. Into all the beliefs, points of view and judgments. Can you tell which ones are lies? Which beliefs, points of view and judgments feel heaviest, most conflicted and contracted to you? Are those sticking you? Can you feel how punishing those are? 

And that’s the best place to begin. Could it be that that which makes us feel contracted and heavy is a lie? Give this a shot. I wonder how much lighter you can let yourself feel.

Raking Leaves

Raking Leaves
on a windy day

This is a true story of futility

Many moons ago, as a new and anxious homeowner, I was, how shall we say, eager. As many homeowners know, there is always something to do. And on this particular day, I dug in, raking leaves on the windiest of November mornings. My old seasoned neighbor, who saw me working furiously, gave me a sideways glance. What in the hell was I doing? 

And this is the template by which so many of my life choices have been made. Digging in. Not looking up. Getting lost in the work. Not acknowledging myself or my very being. Sacrificing myself to systems, families, people, and positions. And when things start to go sideways, I’ve dug in even harder.

And that folks is how you spend 17 years in a career that you hate. And as an added bonus, it’s how you spend 25 years in a marriage, trying to “make it work” when the possibility of making it work never existed in the first place.

Do you do this too? I hope not to the same degree as me. The ultimate price we pay? Lost time, stolen possibilities, joy deferred. Is it all for naught? No, it’s not. But it sure as hell makes you feel wistful.

So, how is your commitment to futility? How is your commitment to “making it work”? Can I ask you to pay special attention to when you agree to that? Its not that you should always bolt for the door. But perhaps we can consider a life filled with much more ease, joy and glory? Can I ask you to demand more from yourself and for yourself? 

Begin by asking this one simple question: What else is possible? I look forward to seeing how the universe answers that for you.

The Lie of Stuck

The Lie of Stuck
enter the chaos of new choices

A lot of psychic sessions start this way. Folks who've been in a holding pattern for months, sometimes years, unable to see their alternatives. 

We get to be like a dog with a bone, don't we? So fixated on how we thought it would play out that we've lost perspective on the whole.  

This is really a story of control isn't it? Do you know how controlling you are? Well, take comfort! You're in good company! A quick glance at control informs us that we do it because we inherently don’t trust life. We’ve got no sense of connectivity to each other, to nature, to the cosmos or any divine order. This shows up in the form of statements, assumptions and conclusions, even righteousness. We believe we’re completely and utterly adrift and we’ll do just about anything to achieve certainty. But is anything certain? 

What if, the energy with which you create your life is an interconnected and chaotic space. Non-linear and totally threatening to our yearning for order. Is it possible that we can learn to get comfortable with chaos? Can we learn to ease up control? 

I've played with all of this first hand. Especially in the areas of business and relationship. In business I took marketing courses, spent money on ads, all to not discernible uptick in jewelry sales (yeah I did that too). In relationship, I dug in, remained committed to an institution and person that had long ago left me out of their equation. 

Then I let go of it, all of it.

In business I decided to try it a different way. I decided that if I didn't feel good, if I wasn't in a state of joy, then I wasn't likely making money. That simple. So I put down the hustle and grind culture that I was mimicking and last year, the year I made this pivot, I made 15K more then the previous year. Not bad!

Relationship was a bit stickier and trickier. And this is worthy of a whole different newsletter, but in the chaos of my kids severe struggling, I surrendered to the complete and utter chaos of not having any idea of what I was doing as a parent. I showed up for them the best I could. I welcomed the help of professionals who stepped in (thank god for them)! And then I went Rollerskating. Yes, you got that right. In the midst of my kids severe crisis I chose me. It was in the middle of that decision, to choose joy in the darkest hours, that I awakened to knowing my marriage was over. I was submerged in a state of complete and total chaos.

It's in these moments that we fear chaos will swallow us whole. That we’ll circle the drain endlessnessly. That we’ll finally succumb to some unknown detrimental force. But that isn't what happens at all.

What does happen is that chaos brings new choices. And with every new choice, new avenues open up. You may not always like the new options, that's ok just pick one anyway. They choices will keep growing more attractive over time. How will that happen?. By making choices that:

• Bring you a sense of ease and lightness

• By ignoring obligation and all the coulds and shoulds

• By prioritizing your pleasure including and most especially sexual pleasure

You'll be infinitely better positioned to get what you want this way. Versus making decisions the old way, prioritizing others and negating yourself. So can I encourage you to let go of the reins a bit? As someone who's been in the ditch can I assure you getting up and dusting yourself off is not so bad after all? Can I let you know that the end of things equally brings new beginnings?

As always, here if you need me.

The Hairdresser, the Comedian and the Filmmaker

The Hairdresser, the Comedian and the Filmmaker
stories of supernatural help

The road to realization can be long. Though I get that's not always true for everyone. I envy folks who have lightning-fast intuitions and easy-peasy realizations that come together on short timelines. That has not generally been my experience. 

What I'm talking about are subtle pings of premonition, intuition, and psychic activity. There have been a few in my life that have been on a slow boil, sometimes for many years. 

The Hairdresser

I was sick, really sick for a long time. Till one day I decided to crawl my way out. This wasn't a linear decision. It began with me, FINALLY deciding to take a crack at doing practice psychic mediumship readings online. It was then that I was pleasantly surprised that I knew some things about their lives that by rights, I ought not to know. 

Concurrent to this, I kept getting a recurring little nag in my head and it just said one phrase: The Hairdresser. 

Now, WTF does that mean? Given my new burgeoning, albeit free business, was I supposed to market myself to Hairdressers and the beauty industry? I assumed yes and created some ads, losing money and time in that decision. 

What showed up 2 years later finally answered this question. In the management of the cluster of chronic health conditions, I would frequent a few FB groups and occasionally see the acronym DNRS. Not intrigued, I simply wrote it off. Till one day someone with a similar disease profile wrote something so specific to what my own experience had been and connected her recovery to this mysterious DNRS. She generously offered to speak to me about it. When I got on the call in our brief introductions she mentioned she was a hairdresser. Huh, now that's interesting I thought. I discovered that the energy of the ping I got matched the energy of this woman and our conversation. This led to my discovery of the science of neuroplasticity. Which then helped me create a committed path to reclaiming my health and my life.

The Comedian

The next ping that arrived said: Comedian. Now I love all things comedy. But to be clear, I am a consumer of comedy and in no way an artist of the form. What was I to do with this ping? Sit on it. And so I did. 

Years later in 2018 my friends Kate and Emily reached out and asked if I'd be a guest on their podcast, Witchcast. I gave an enthusiastic YES, then a big gulp. This decision would require me to metabolize my fear of being a public psychic medium and to begin to get ok with being judged for it. 

As I got to know them I learned they are both really funny women. And Kate in particular has been in the stand up world. Zing, this matched the lightness of the ping I got called: Comedian. And not only can I count these gals as friends, but this decision expanded my world and business in ways that continue to widen my world.

The Filmaker

I did millions of kid drop offs and pickups at the public school directly across the street from Marge's little yellow house. It was 2011, well before I had a clue of what my vocation would be, and this ping came: Filmmaker. The timing was interesting because this ping got really loud concurrent to the release of the documentary Battle For Brooklyn. As luck would have it, those filmmakers were fellow parents at the school. Naturally my logical mind wanted to connect this ping to physical reality. I assumed they (or some filmmaker) would find the story of Marge and I so interesting they'd want to make a film about us! Hello ego! 

Eight long years weant by before Emily F. reached out and invited me to coffee to discuss doing a short doc about Marge and I. What she and Amit, her producing partner put together was a dream come true. She perfectly captured the collective spirits of Me, Marge and the little yellow house and crafted our story with tenderness. It's really beautiful, have a look here.

Whew, and there you have it. Having awareness, sometimes years in advance isn't easy. But if we can back off and stay in the question and in the wonder of the unfolding, life can be a more comfortable ride. Can you give it a try? I’m here to hold your hand if you need me.

White, straight, cis, woman, me

White, straight, cis, woman, me
identifications, do they serve you?

The title of this dispatch includes some of the ways I am identified in this reality system. There are so many more that I have identified with or that have been projected on me. Some more are: Black sheep, Chronically Ill, Savior, Addict ( I preferred Chemically Dependent), Codependent, White & Gentrifier (ack, Karen!), Mother, Wife, Daughter, Designer (till I managed to uplevel to Art Director, go me!)

Ahem…this is a lot, and it's not even an extensive list!

I got inspired to unpack the issue of identification when I did an Instagram post on addiction recently. As I was recording it I got a wave of tense energy. Almost as if I could feel in my body the collective resistance to the term “addict”. 

We can get lost in any one of these identifications. And I get, viscerally, how they can help people to feel safe, seen, and supported in some of them. But is that safety true?

Back when I identified as chronically ill I joined a million mailing lists. I got “support” in what felt like a metric ton of Facebook groups. And then I decided to get well. Yes, go back and please read that again. In fact, the energy was bigger than a decision, I made a DEMAND to get well. That's the funny thing about the Universe, it really likes when you DEMAND. 

Then I buckled down to the business of getting well. The universe lit my path and provided me with many choices. And with every ongoing decision I made I checked in with myself to see if the energy of the options I had to choose from matched the energy of the WELL BEING I suspected was possible.

And then I kept bumping into those mailings and getting constant alerts from the FB groups. I had to acknowledge that not one of these “supports” matched the energy of what I was going for. And that was it. I had to begin to disassemble my identity as chronically ill.

In all this, I wondered about how our identities can encourage us to disconnect from our awareness and knowing. And I began to ask questions. Is it true that once you're an “addict” you'll always be an addict, as we learn in the 12 steps? 

Or could this also be true, that addicts are people who have used any manner of things to shunt their own awareness and knowing? And that perhaps if they make a lifelong commitment to their knowing and awareness their need for their substance, whatever it may be, could diminish? 

That feels more true, even kinder, to me. 

So, where do your co-mingling identities slow you down and trip you up? Have you ever noticed that in your identity groups, you've gotten lost in the charge of groupthink? Witnessed the unconscious behaviors of those around you? And that's the tough part of identity, it encourages us to check out. To give up our awareness and knowing. Maybe today could be a little different. Maybe you could claim the difference you are? I'm here to receive all of that ❤️

The Rightness of Addiction

The Rightness of Addiction
may point your way out of it, if you choose

Oh, my dear addicts, y'all are so dang close to my heart! Having been on both sides, as both a co-dependent and as someone addicted to Clonazepam for 2.5 years, I know my way around this issue. If the word "addict" is hard for you, swap it out with "dependence".

So, what's right about being addicted?

Bet you've never heard that question before. I met someone recently who disclosed that they needed to remain high while in the presence of their life partner. Oof. Can you imagine living with that weight on your heart? To have to be medicated just to spend time with the person who says they love you? Sounds remarkably painful.

Now multiply that times every relationship in the addicted person's life. That amounts to a lot of substance (or other) abuse!

Now I don't pretend to know all the facets of addiction. But I suspect that one angle to it is that the person who's in the grip of it is medicating away their own awareness. So whatever judgments they are exposed to, especially the unspoken ones, are very loud in the addict's body and mind. But they are not affirmed for being super Aware and super psychic. Just the opposite in fact. They are gaslit into the stratosphere. It's no wonder they need the escape!

A great place to start addressing this (if you'd like to choose to wrestle You back from addiction) is to know that you know.

Know how aware and psychic you actually are. Watch for when the co-dependents or others invested in your addiction draw you into their circular, nobody wins arguments. Then based on your awareness and observations - Make new choices.

That's it. Freedom can be yours.

Did I gloss over a whole lot? Yup. Is change easy, not always. Will you break a few eggs? Very likely. Will you be judged within an inch of your life? I'm certain of it. Might you end up alone and/or feel lonely? Probably.

But what happens if you choose you? What happens when you prove to you that you know how to care for you better than the co-dependents "care" for you?

What if you choose what you know is true? How much more can you be you? How much greater can your life be? Can you choose that? There's only one way to find out, and that's to make the leap. I hope to see you on the other side.