A well-meaning albatross
that parents go first

That's a lie I was stuck with by a well-meaning therapist. Seven years of family therapy and this was drilled into our collective heads. That we should strive for this ideal, that parents go first.

What does parents go first mean? Boiled down, it’s that parents ought to lead their kids. It’s that parents ought to heal first, all their traumas and dramas, so that their children can be free. It’s that ultimately, parents are the ones to light the path for their children.

Is there any track record for this being an achievable reality? No, it’s not a reality. It’s a fantasy. And it’s the kind of fantasy that is an albatross that can really tax an entire generation or two of a family.

When I posited my own pov, that made me feel super light, to our family therapist, that I believed my parents did the best they could with the skills they had at the time. She barked: that wasn’t good enough! Ha! Her care and savior energy for me and my sisters was as admirable as it was detrimental.

So, what’s kinder and in alignment with reality? That our kids go first. I learned this multiple times parenting my three kiddos. This last year in particular opened my eyes to this truth. Without my kid going through a major crisis I would not have woken up to the end of my marriage. It’s that plain. It’s that simple. Our home was sick and I was busy tra-la-lalling and making cupcakes, not acknowledging what was. Thank God for my kid waking us all up from our collective fantasy.

So, parents go first isn’t true. So, how about you? Feel into the pockets of your life. Into all the beliefs, points of view and judgments. Can you tell which ones are lies? Which beliefs, points of view and judgments feel heaviest, most conflicted and contracted to you? Are those sticking you? Can you feel how punishing those are?

And that’s the best place to begin. Could it be that that which makes us feel contracted and heavy is a lie? Give this a shot. I wonder how much lighter you can let yourself feel.