The 10 Year Trial Build Up
began nearly 25 years ago

About 4 months before I met my husband to be I was forlorned. I wanted so badly to be partnered with an amazing spouse. To have kids. To build a home and get on with my life. In that dark hour, feeling so lonely and sad, I got a premonition (which simply sounded like my own voice in my head) that I wanted to find a guy that would bring me flowers every week. I remember feeling a mental hiccup with this, as I had never much cared for romantic gestures before.

Fast forward, those four months and we were introduced by a mutual friend. When I locked eyes with him, over the cafeteria lunch table (so sexy!), a bolt of lightening ran through my body. It wasn’t a comfortable feeling, but it was a cascade of energy that I’d never experienced before or since. Sadly I didn’t have the tools to ask questions of that energy at the time.

So, at 28 years old, I naturally trusted and followed whatever magic I thought that was. I bought the premonition too, that he would bring flowers – which he did, and we were well on our way to matrimony. We were family planning (three kids!) by our third date. It must be destiny, right?

I met his family. I spilled a glass of water, I was so nervous. As we left his family home, his mother and a neighbor sang old Neapolitan tunes on the front stoop. And that was it – I was a goner. What fantasy story adapted for the silver screen had I just entered?

He bought me a beautiful engagement ring, platinum with a yellow gold accent. We went to Italy for vacation and bought our wedding bands abroad. They didn’t have bands that matched my engagement ring exactly, so we bought an alternative. A white gold band with a yellow gold accent. Our jeweler cautioned us though. He told us that these were intended to be anniversary bands, and not for newlyweds. Bah humbug I thought – who needs to conform to convention?

Then about a year ago I looked at my husband while he was sleeping. I finally allowed myself to wonder what he might have to do with all the health problems I’d experienced over the last 10 years. I was finally willing to ask THAT question.

We had made it, by the skin of our teeth, through the pandemic, which seemed a miracle. But our post pandemic recovery wasn’t what I’d hoped it would be. We’d had two cataclysmic, totally out of character, fights, these were two strikes on him. He literally appeared as a different, vicious, mean-spirited person in these moments. I wondered, what and with whom was I dealing?

In the weeks leading up to this last trial I had been on a business call with a couple of friends. We were strategizing how we could propagate the world (or at least NYC) with consciousness. In the middle of making a point, I gesticulated with my hands, flinging them outward. With that whip of a gesture, my wedding band flew from my left hand and onto the floor. That’s awfully curious I thought, knowing full well that it was an ominous sign.

Then our kids, despite making it through covid home schooling for two tortuous years, were back in school. And while they had some good days, all three of them seemed to be struggling through this winter. One of our kids in particular, was in a level of trouble and trauma that needed us, as parents, to be SUPER conscious and present. Such is the business of saving your kids life.

It was in the midst of this parental nightmare that the third strike occurred. My husband made the very last flip and hurtful comment that I was willing to receive. And with that I delivered a letter to him, outlining my separation. In it I referenced what I’d known to be true. The feeling that I no longer knew him. The out of character fights. And finally, I confronted the sexual secrets I knew he was keeping, based on the scant evidence I discovered over the previous year.

What unfolded from there, was the completely predictable and unremarkable truth. My husband had not for one minute, hour or day ever been faithful to me over our 25 year relationship. The revelations were eye popping and stomach churning. It wasn’t the simple porn addiction I'd hoped it might be. It was a tale, sordid, tortuous, self hating and painful beyond measure. He admitted that he was a sex addict.

And so I left.

More next week.

(correction: last week I mentioned we were married 25 yrs. Incorrect, we dated and were engaged for 2 years and married for 23 this coming May)